Drift

The red velvet curtain has closed, the heavy blood stained material will part no more. I am no longer pregnant. I cramped pretty bad, took a lot of pain pills and now its over. I passed what I assumed (and was later confirmed, thanks Nurse Wretched) to be the actual placenta and fetus. It was a soft yet firm ball of tissue that bounced out of my panties like a rubber toy. I picked it up in my hand and felt that still, wet warmth. At that moment I knew. I knew.

The abortion itself wasn't as bad as I thought. I took the meds, fell asleep, woke to the sound of G knocking at the door, woke to talk with him a little and then shared the delicious Japanese food that he brought. He laughed at how fucked up I was. He cuddled with me some, got me another pain pill when the time came, and then laid with me as I drifted back into the codeine dream. When I woke at around four the lights were all off. I got up and took a shower, brushed my teeth, smoked a bowl and laid back down. At this point the waves of sadness, relief, and longing took over me. I cried. When G opened his eyes he asked me what was wrong, but didn't budge to comfort or hold me. I felt something die inside. I didn't feel that he was there with me.

I called that morning to his work after he left and tried to break up with him. My heart was breaking, I didn't know how to cope. In my haze of hormones and emotions and pharmaceutical opiates it was the right thing to do. He didn't call me back that day. I cried off and on late into the night. I woke early with no notice from him and took his things with me to his house to leave them there. Seeing his things made me feel so sad and lonely that I couldn't bear to have them in my space.

Yes, in retrospect, I feel that I over reacted. The last weeks have been hard on me physically and emotionally. I haven't had the time or energy to really think things through. Well, rationally, that is. Sure, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. I have to really look at things with my eyes wide open due to my depression. I tend to inflict my crazy on those I love. I'm working on that.

I got a text later that afternoon from his phone, the one that had been MIA for the last month. We talked. He told me that he loved me and that he didn't want to split. He got sad and got drunk that night and instead of walking home, he walked the mile to the house where his phone was and got it turned on that day. I can see that he is trying. I can see that I have my own set of issues to work through. I can see that we need to take it a day at a time and cross each bridge as it comes, because I see this man as someone I could potentially have a future with. I know that a man is not a plan (thanks to Ms Single Mama) but this one is one I'd like to keep around for a while if I can.

Brick

I went to the clinic yesterday. There were protesters and security checks and nervous looks and a layer of sadness so thick you could scoop it up and serve it over ice cream. There were girls there getting the abortion I got when I was 18. They sat close to their equally young boyfriends and clutched their hands and sniffled quietly, blotting tears with their sleeves. I did fine at the clinic. I was upbeat, even.

I woke yesterday morning at 5:30. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, looked at the ceiling, felt the balloon full of pudding occupying my pelvis at the moment. I got up, peed, showered, painted a little, and cried. I cried great big sobs of sadness. I did this so I would feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel it fully and robustly.

When I got home I could feel the flicker fading away. Something just felt different. I threw up and took a long nap. Now I've taken the second dose and am cramping pretty bad. It will all be over soon.

Fronteir Psychiatrist

$276. That is what it will take to end this. Tomorrow it will begin and on Sunday it will be done. G just dropped me off money to cover half of this. I'm shaking and crying a lot today. I can't eat. I'm just on the edge and I don't know what comes next. Knowing he's gone in a few months is killing me. I'm sure I'll feel better every day about it, but I hate how this feels right now.

Edit the sad parts

G came over the night I wrote my last blog post. He was drunk, had been robbed by his cabbie and his thuggish friends, and he was pissed off. It wasn't really a supportive event. He came by work the next day and we got to talk a little. Then I hung out with him the night before last. That was better. I much prefer to see him when he isn't drinking. Its a bit like swimming upstream when I try to have a meaningful conversation with him otherwise. It was good talking with him on Friday, though. He's going to spend that day with me while I'm going through the hard parts. He's going to pay for half. He is being incredibly supportive and kind to me through this whole thing. I just have fear that after its over that he might get out while the getting is good. I plan to get an IUD either way, I don't want this to happen again. But I'm afraid that he may be scared off. I don't blame him one little bit.

I'm working on a painting right now that captures what I'm feeling completely. I'm trying to channel this into creativity so that I can deal with it all. I'm just overwhelmed when I'm feeling anything at all.

Stop stomp stomping

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, albeit a minor one. Its not the rut I've been in with my horrible marriage. That one was quite a grand canyon, one that could doubtlessly be seen from space. This one is a muddy roadside ditch, but still, its a rut. It still sucks. I can't paint, I'm totally broke, I'm feeling disconnected from G (that would be my boyfriend) and my feelings about having this abortion are a little hard to handle some days. I'm feeling and doing fine and all of a sudden I can't articulate a single thought. I feel really out of it today.

I got to spend some time with him on Monday night. We went and had a couple of drinks (well, I had a Shirley Temple) and we walked the block and a half back to his apartment. On the walk back he brought up our predicament. I haven't had a chance to get down there yet to make an appointment, but he was taking that as my reconsidering the position I've held since I had baby #2. I assured him again that it was not that, I just had to get the time to go set the appointment. He apologized and said that he wasn't trying to pressure me. He said that he wanted to make sure we were still on the same page and he wanted to know where I was at (emotionally speaking).

We quickly got back to his place. We laid down on the bed and I just wanted to be close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and took in his smell, enjoyed the heady aroma of his sweat and pheromones and hair. Of course, being so close to him and taking in his scent got my motor going. I wasn't going to push anything, knowing he worked a double that day. He has a certain laugh when he discovers that I'm raring to go. He told me that he was useless. He was hungry and I had to work in the morning, so I told him to go get a bite to eat while I went to sleep. We made out some before he left. He wanted to go down on me but I just wanted to kiss him. He still got me off before he headed out the door.

When he returned I was totally asleep. He woke me gently and apparently the food recharged his batteries because we made love twice before drifting off to sleep in one anothers arms. I got up early to go to work, caught a quick shower, kissed him and headed out the door. I stopped back by his place on my way home from work. I suspected that he would still be in bed. I was correct. I got to cuddle with him a little longer, I got to go down on him (which I love) and then I had the pleasure of making love once more with him. It was tender and slow and feeling him deep inside while he looked into my eyes and kissed me made my heart feel so full that it was going to burst.

So, I'm sure you're thinking that I'm crazy for feeling disconnected from him. We're obviously connected, right? Well, the thing is that he doesn't have his phone right now and his computer is shot to shit, so its a really tough thing to deal with. He works a shit ton of hours, he works late and some days I don't even hear from him. I don't blame him, his job is hectic. It just really sucks. Days like today (I went to Planned Parenthood and made my appointment for the abortion) I could sure use a direct way to get a hold of him. I really feel like I need him tonight. I hope I hear from him before he leaves work. I just feel bad for needing him. This is too much for a three month long relationship to take.

Judy is a punk

I got out of work on Friday at 6pm. I felt like warm shit. The ex picked me up and then we went to get the kids. He asked me about something he heard, I played stupid, I sat in shock all evening that the people around me are such gossip whores. How can a group of reasonably intelligent people in their mid to late twenties (and in some cases, their early thirties) so closely resemble a bunch of old women gabbing at the beauty parlor, or in less affluent and more crafty individuals, a sewing circle? How the fuck?

Well, the thing he heard was an allusion to the fact that I am currently knocked up. Yes, I am, and no I'm not going to have another child right now. I could explain all of the circumstances and justify it. I could tell you about what my goals are, my plans, etc. I will spare you that bullshit and just say that I've thought it through and I can tell you that its the right choice for me. I'm mostly at peace with this decision. I have my intermittent moments of upset. I have my moments of crying and my moments of considering the "what if" scenarios. I come back to a feeling of peace with my decision every time. I'm not even ashamed of it and I honestly don't mind sharing with the world at large because I think that it destigmatizes it and helps average people understand that women who make that choice are not bad people. They're simply women facing a tough personal decision who need support, not judgment. Anyway, I just don't want my ex to know. Not now, not ever.

So after I get home I get to relax some. Ex took the kids for the night, so I was going to meet up with my man. I got in the shower, fixed my hair, did my makeup and got dressed. I listened to a little music and longed to smoke a little pot. I hopped a bus downtown and met my sweetie at his restaurant. He's a waiter and was cut a little early, we got a little bud from a friend he works with and headed to his place. I asked him if he had let the cat out of the bag and he told me that he told his friend in confidence and that apparently this friend was running his mouth to my Ex's friend. Un-fucking-cool. I will have this guy's ass the next time I see him. No worries, though. I now know to keep my mouth shut in the future.

We went out for a little while to one of the more relaxed places on the strip. He wanted to stick around longer than I did (which is about par for the course where my boyfriend is concerned) and invited people over after. So I wasn't thrilled with this, but whatever, I'm a good sport. I know he's really sociable. It doesn't bother me. Its just a little irritating when he says that he just wants to spend some low key time together and that ends up morphing into bar hopping and after parties. So I knew this was happening tonight, but I just rolled with it. We ended up at the taco stand eating delicious tacos and talking with people who we knew. We got a ride back to his place and smoked out with them.

When we got back to his place he was somewhat fucked up. I laid in the bed and got comfortable while he said goodbye outside. I fell asleep. I woke up when he sat on the bed. He laid down and we laid close together, my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. I was dying to make love right then and there, but I vowed not to be so demanding tonight. I tried my best, I really did.

I had been craving his body for days. I know what it feels like to be pestered for sex, so I feel terrible that this has been the story as of late. I've been a terrible horn dog. I wanted to go down on him. I tried to but it was too much for him to handle. He wasn't really game, being tired and drunk and very stoned. He rubbed me off. I just wanted him inside me more than anything. I think that my body was in total shock, I've never felt that sensation before in my life. I was trying to relax, not feel so much like I was going to die from sexual starvation, taking deep breaths and trying to relax my quivering inner thighs. Every time I would breathe him in I would feel my legs start trembling and I would moan involuntarily.

I turned away from him and started feeling a little more like myself. He laid up against me and laid his hand on my side. Ripples of heat radiated from where he touched me. I was almost convulsing, my body was aching. I needed him. I had a very hard time communicating that I needed him to not touch me for fear that I would experience spontaneous combustion and char his lovely headboard and most deliciously comfortable bed. He laughed a little and remarked on how terribly horny I was, and I was, and he started kissing me. I think. It was all a blur of hormonal desire and me trying not to ravish him.

He ended up between my legs, licking me into a lather. He is amazing at the oral arts and he makes me come so hard, I can't even express it. Its overwhelming. Then when I couldn't take anymore he came up to face level and kissed me. I have never liked tasting myself but I'm glad to kiss him afterward. The way he tastes seems to go well with it, or something. His kisses are so perfectly compatible with mine. I felt him, hard, between my legs. I suppose he sobered up some. He tenderized my insides, turned me to jelly. I ended up on top at the end and feeling him coming inside me was a beautiful, tender feeling. It was so intense. We laid together and fell asleep. Sleeping so close to him and feeling his breath and presence is like heaven.