Brick

I went to the clinic yesterday. There were protesters and security checks and nervous looks and a layer of sadness so thick you could scoop it up and serve it over ice cream. There were girls there getting the abortion I got when I was 18. They sat close to their equally young boyfriends and clutched their hands and sniffled quietly, blotting tears with their sleeves. I did fine at the clinic. I was upbeat, even.

I woke yesterday morning at 5:30. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, looked at the ceiling, felt the balloon full of pudding occupying my pelvis at the moment. I got up, peed, showered, painted a little, and cried. I cried great big sobs of sadness. I did this so I would feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel it fully and robustly.

When I got home I could feel the flicker fading away. Something just felt different. I threw up and took a long nap. Now I've taken the second dose and am cramping pretty bad. It will all be over soon.

Fronteir Psychiatrist

$276. That is what it will take to end this. Tomorrow it will begin and on Sunday it will be done. G just dropped me off money to cover half of this. I'm shaking and crying a lot today. I can't eat. I'm just on the edge and I don't know what comes next. Knowing he's gone in a few months is killing me. I'm sure I'll feel better every day about it, but I hate how this feels right now.

Stop stomp stomping

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, albeit a minor one. Its not the rut I've been in with my horrible marriage. That one was quite a grand canyon, one that could doubtlessly be seen from space. This one is a muddy roadside ditch, but still, its a rut. It still sucks. I can't paint, I'm totally broke, I'm feeling disconnected from G (that would be my boyfriend) and my feelings about having this abortion are a little hard to handle some days. I'm feeling and doing fine and all of a sudden I can't articulate a single thought. I feel really out of it today.

I got to spend some time with him on Monday night. We went and had a couple of drinks (well, I had a Shirley Temple) and we walked the block and a half back to his apartment. On the walk back he brought up our predicament. I haven't had a chance to get down there yet to make an appointment, but he was taking that as my reconsidering the position I've held since I had baby #2. I assured him again that it was not that, I just had to get the time to go set the appointment. He apologized and said that he wasn't trying to pressure me. He said that he wanted to make sure we were still on the same page and he wanted to know where I was at (emotionally speaking).

We quickly got back to his place. We laid down on the bed and I just wanted to be close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and took in his smell, enjoyed the heady aroma of his sweat and pheromones and hair. Of course, being so close to him and taking in his scent got my motor going. I wasn't going to push anything, knowing he worked a double that day. He has a certain laugh when he discovers that I'm raring to go. He told me that he was useless. He was hungry and I had to work in the morning, so I told him to go get a bite to eat while I went to sleep. We made out some before he left. He wanted to go down on me but I just wanted to kiss him. He still got me off before he headed out the door.

When he returned I was totally asleep. He woke me gently and apparently the food recharged his batteries because we made love twice before drifting off to sleep in one anothers arms. I got up early to go to work, caught a quick shower, kissed him and headed out the door. I stopped back by his place on my way home from work. I suspected that he would still be in bed. I was correct. I got to cuddle with him a little longer, I got to go down on him (which I love) and then I had the pleasure of making love once more with him. It was tender and slow and feeling him deep inside while he looked into my eyes and kissed me made my heart feel so full that it was going to burst.

So, I'm sure you're thinking that I'm crazy for feeling disconnected from him. We're obviously connected, right? Well, the thing is that he doesn't have his phone right now and his computer is shot to shit, so its a really tough thing to deal with. He works a shit ton of hours, he works late and some days I don't even hear from him. I don't blame him, his job is hectic. It just really sucks. Days like today (I went to Planned Parenthood and made my appointment for the abortion) I could sure use a direct way to get a hold of him. I really feel like I need him tonight. I hope I hear from him before he leaves work. I just feel bad for needing him. This is too much for a three month long relationship to take.