Gone For Good

G and I got to talk. The drunken ex episode is a case of "if I can't have you no one can!" and yes, she was the reason he asked if I was leading him on. He's going to get a phone soon, and he's close to paying off his probation. After that he wants to move. No, not to another house like I thought. He wants to move to another country. Yes, I remember him telling me this months ago, but we've had conversations since that made me think that wasn't going to happen. Not anytime soon, anyway. I thought we were in this for the long haul, but I can't help but to think that if he really wants to move to another country, where I cannot move, that he doesn't love me like he says. He can't. Because I'd sooner carve out my heart than move to the other side of town, much less five and a half hours away from him.

Thinking about this makes it hard to breathe. I mean, this is crazy. He was so angry at the girl he dated who moved away from him for making their relationship break over the span of half the country. How can he? Why? Yes, I'm emotional, and yeah, I'm crying a little. And I freaked out when he told me.

But I can't do this. This is the last thing I needed right now. I find out he's probably moving in a few months and its two days before we're terminating this pregnancy. I just wanted to have fun with him. I just wanted something casual and no strings attached. This is the opposite of fun and casual. I have strings laced through every part of me. This is my heart breaking slowly. This is every kiss being bitter sweet, every time I look into his eyes I want to cry, because I won't be looking into them anymore. This summer. After my birthday. So much for trips to the river, vacations to the coast, weekends in Austin. Goodbye to the future that I thought we'd share.