The red velvet curtain has closed, the heavy blood stained material will part no more. I am no longer pregnant. I cramped pretty bad, took a lot of pain pills and now its over. I passed what I assumed (and was later confirmed, thanks Nurse Wretched) to be the actual placenta and fetus. It was a soft yet firm ball of tissue that bounced out of my panties like a rubber toy. I picked it up in my hand and felt that still, wet warmth. At that moment I knew. I knew.
The abortion itself wasn't as bad as I thought. I took the meds, fell asleep, woke to the sound of G knocking at the door, woke to talk with him a little and then shared the delicious Japanese food that he brought. He laughed at how fucked up I was. He cuddled with me some, got me another pain pill when the time came, and then laid with me as I drifted back into the codeine dream. When I woke at around four the lights were all off. I got up and took a shower, brushed my teeth, smoked a bowl and laid back down. At this point the waves of sadness, relief, and longing took over me. I cried. When G opened his eyes he asked me what was wrong, but didn't budge to comfort or hold me. I felt something die inside. I didn't feel that he was there with me.
I called that morning to his work after he left and tried to break up with him. My heart was breaking, I didn't know how to cope. In my haze of hormones and emotions and pharmaceutical opiates it was the right thing to do. He didn't call me back that day. I cried off and on late into the night. I woke early with no notice from him and took his things with me to his house to leave them there. Seeing his things made me feel so sad and lonely that I couldn't bear to have them in my space.
Yes, in retrospect, I feel that I over reacted. The last weeks have been hard on me physically and emotionally. I haven't had the time or energy to really think things through. Well, rationally, that is. Sure, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. I have to really look at things with my eyes wide open due to my depression. I tend to inflict my crazy on those I love. I'm working on that.
I got a text later that afternoon from his phone, the one that had been MIA for the last month. We talked. He told me that he loved me and that he didn't want to split. He got sad and got drunk that night and instead of walking home, he walked the mile to the house where his phone was and got it turned on that day. I can see that he is trying. I can see that I have my own set of issues to work through. I can see that we need to take it a day at a time and cross each bridge as it comes, because I see this man as someone I could potentially have a future with. I know that a man is not a plan (thanks to Ms Single Mama) but this one is one I'd like to keep around for a while if I can.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Brick
I went to the clinic yesterday. There were protesters and security checks and nervous looks and a layer of sadness so thick you could scoop it up and serve it over ice cream. There were girls there getting the abortion I got when I was 18. They sat close to their equally young boyfriends and clutched their hands and sniffled quietly, blotting tears with their sleeves. I did fine at the clinic. I was upbeat, even.
I woke yesterday morning at 5:30. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, looked at the ceiling, felt the balloon full of pudding occupying my pelvis at the moment. I got up, peed, showered, painted a little, and cried. I cried great big sobs of sadness. I did this so I would feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel it fully and robustly.
When I got home I could feel the flicker fading away. Something just felt different. I threw up and took a long nap. Now I've taken the second dose and am cramping pretty bad. It will all be over soon.
I woke yesterday morning at 5:30. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, looked at the ceiling, felt the balloon full of pudding occupying my pelvis at the moment. I got up, peed, showered, painted a little, and cried. I cried great big sobs of sadness. I did this so I would feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel it fully and robustly.
When I got home I could feel the flicker fading away. Something just felt different. I threw up and took a long nap. Now I've taken the second dose and am cramping pretty bad. It will all be over soon.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Fronteir Psychiatrist
$276. That is what it will take to end this. Tomorrow it will begin and on Sunday it will be done. G just dropped me off money to cover half of this. I'm shaking and crying a lot today. I can't eat. I'm just on the edge and I don't know what comes next. Knowing he's gone in a few months is killing me. I'm sure I'll feel better every day about it, but I hate how this feels right now.
Gone For Good
G and I got to talk. The drunken ex episode is a case of "if I can't have you no one can!" and yes, she was the reason he asked if I was leading him on. He's going to get a phone soon, and he's close to paying off his probation. After that he wants to move. No, not to another house like I thought. He wants to move to another country. Yes, I remember him telling me this months ago, but we've had conversations since that made me think that wasn't going to happen. Not anytime soon, anyway. I thought we were in this for the long haul, but I can't help but to think that if he really wants to move to another country, where I cannot move, that he doesn't love me like he says. He can't. Because I'd sooner carve out my heart than move to the other side of town, much less five and a half hours away from him.
Thinking about this makes it hard to breathe. I mean, this is crazy. He was so angry at the girl he dated who moved away from him for making their relationship break over the span of half the country. How can he? Why? Yes, I'm emotional, and yeah, I'm crying a little. And I freaked out when he told me.
But I can't do this. This is the last thing I needed right now. I find out he's probably moving in a few months and its two days before we're terminating this pregnancy. I just wanted to have fun with him. I just wanted something casual and no strings attached. This is the opposite of fun and casual. I have strings laced through every part of me. This is my heart breaking slowly. This is every kiss being bitter sweet, every time I look into his eyes I want to cry, because I won't be looking into them anymore. This summer. After my birthday. So much for trips to the river, vacations to the coast, weekends in Austin. Goodbye to the future that I thought we'd share.
Thinking about this makes it hard to breathe. I mean, this is crazy. He was so angry at the girl he dated who moved away from him for making their relationship break over the span of half the country. How can he? Why? Yes, I'm emotional, and yeah, I'm crying a little. And I freaked out when he told me.
But I can't do this. This is the last thing I needed right now. I find out he's probably moving in a few months and its two days before we're terminating this pregnancy. I just wanted to have fun with him. I just wanted something casual and no strings attached. This is the opposite of fun and casual. I have strings laced through every part of me. This is my heart breaking slowly. This is every kiss being bitter sweet, every time I look into his eyes I want to cry, because I won't be looking into them anymore. This summer. After my birthday. So much for trips to the river, vacations to the coast, weekends in Austin. Goodbye to the future that I thought we'd share.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The one I love
Feeling sentimental. Here's his Facebook statuses that all reference me.
- G Gigantic, Gigantic, Gigantic, A big big love. -February 28 at 3:33pm
- G thinks he stole your purple lighter. -February 21 at 10:33pm
- G should have listened to you. -February 16 at 4:36am
- G This scarf is badass! -February 14 at 3:14pm
- G LAST NIGHT: Blue Means Go, The Offbeats, Art, Good Brews, and a lot of love. I swear I'm still riding out a high from all of the above. -February 6 at 1:24pm
- G OMG I effing loved all of it! Wish there was more. Womp womp womp. Zzzzzz -February 6 at 3:32am
- G has an oven roasted shirt. -February 1 at 4:47pm
- G Going to the Limelight. Lets Slam some Art! -January 16 at 10:03pm
- G Surely this Saturday couldn't be better than last Saturday. Or could it? -January 16 at 4:15pm
- G All matter is energy condensed to a slow vibration. We are one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. -- Bill Hicks -January 14 at 10:05pm
- G Rainy days and secret rendezvous. -January 14 at 11:06am
- G I had an excellent night at work. I love this painting i got. Thank you. -January 11 at 10:42pm
- G Still feeling the purple today. Think I'm gonna hit up Tycoon Flats or maybe Frankfurter Express for lunch anyone else wanna go? -January 11 at 2:10pm
- G In spite of work all that happened tonight was phenomenal. -January 10 at 5:59am
Boys don't cry
I don't know that I can deal with this shit any longer. I haven't seen or had much of a conversation with G in three days. He just called to blow me off for his friend's birthday. Not even an especially close friend. I started crying on the phone with him at the end. It is breaking my heart because I do have such strong feelings for him. I just can't deal with this! I'm just getting out of a long relationship. I just want to have fun, and right now this is not at all fun for me. Because as he's getting ready for a fun night out I'm here with glassy eyes, spilling hot tears down my cheeks. He's blowing me off to get wasted. He's wasting his chance to be with me when I really need someone, I need him.
But he isn't here. I'm crying alone in my apartment. Fuck.
But he isn't here. I'm crying alone in my apartment. Fuck.
Communication breakdown
I work at a locally owned business. It affords me a good schedule with good flexibility and not quite good enough hours. The company is eco-friendly, so I can feel good about working there. I don't have to really get along with anyone, as I'm alone on my shift. I can keep my colorful hair. My colorful personality is a plus. My current wardrobe works just fine for this job. The only problem is that the company has shit for communication and a lot of clients fall through the cracks. The store I work in is located in a great part of town. Right near a health food store and several other green businesses. The piss poor quality of service has run off many customers. The piss poor service has come from employees who don't give half a shit. I'm new here myself, but I can see where there is gaping holes in the company.
For instance, I can't give a number to my higher up, but I'm not a manager. There is no training or SOP on what to do when a customer is upset about a missing garment (I work for a clothing cleaner) or if you can't find an order. You learn as you go.
Well, there is a new girl here who is smart as a whip and makes up for my lack of organizational skills. My boss is running her off. I don't know quite how to tell her, but I'm not going to stick around this job if I can't get competent help and you can't hire competent help for $8 an hour. My coworker and I agree on how to run things. We handle things effectively. It would work better if the training program was more extensive and if we had a general manager who could check on all of the stores and handle the customer service problems.
I'm feeling that this is a general theme in my life at this moment. I have to figure out what I am and am not willing to put up with. I have to draw my lines in the sand and enforce those boundaries when they are tested.
For instance, I can't give a number to my higher up, but I'm not a manager. There is no training or SOP on what to do when a customer is upset about a missing garment (I work for a clothing cleaner) or if you can't find an order. You learn as you go.
Well, there is a new girl here who is smart as a whip and makes up for my lack of organizational skills. My boss is running her off. I don't know quite how to tell her, but I'm not going to stick around this job if I can't get competent help and you can't hire competent help for $8 an hour. My coworker and I agree on how to run things. We handle things effectively. It would work better if the training program was more extensive and if we had a general manager who could check on all of the stores and handle the customer service problems.
I'm feeling that this is a general theme in my life at this moment. I have to figure out what I am and am not willing to put up with. I have to draw my lines in the sand and enforce those boundaries when they are tested.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Heavy cross
Things are coming to a head. Well, they are for me, anyway. There is a duality happening with my relationship with G. He seems happy, tells me how unbelievably madly in love with me he is. I feel those things as well. I just also feel like there is a hunk of lead in my stomach right now. He still doesn't have a phone, which is getting to be more and more important. After what happened last night, well, I think I'm going to insist on it.
We had a night sans kiddos last night. We headed out, I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in many years, we had a good time and headed on home to his place. His old roommate was crashing at his house. Fine, I can deal with that. We laid down to go to sleep and we were laying close and comfortable, kissing a little and getting very turned on. All of a sudden the door opens and this girl, who is blathering about finding G and his friend, invites herself in. She says hello to me, tells G that she's been leaving him messages on his phone, calls me "G's Lady Friend" and they take the friend and leave. G confesses that I'm not the first married woman he dated and that this is a girl he dated some time ago. I ask if she still has a thing for him. He says that he doesn't know, that they haven't really talked in 6 months. But, I know he introduced us when we were out one night, and I was wholly unsuspecting of the history they had.
Now, I'm not stupid. I know why a woman comes over to her ex's house in the middle of the night. I've exhibited that sex seeking behavior more than a few times myself. I never did it when my ex was attached and I certainly didn't do it without calling first. I don't know how to feel about this. I think that she may be the reason that he asked me if I was leading him on. I really can't have random drunken ex-girlfriends of his barging in unannounced whenever they get the urge to see him. He didn't let his friend back in and didn't let her come in to use the restroom. He seemed irritated, he expressed that he needed to get some boundaries for himself and he said that he would in fact make a crummy roommate.
This was in contrast to what he had told me right before this disturbance. He told me that when he was at SXSW he ran into a different ex while he was there. She moved across the country and they couldn't keep it up over the distance. He was still pretty caught up on her shortly before we got involved. In fact, I asked him if he was still in love with her and I wanted to ask if I was a distraction from his feelings for her. He assured me at the time (a couple of months ago now) that he was falling hard for me. He told me last night that seeing her just affirmed his feelings for me. Then the whole drunken ex girlfriend fiasco took place.
I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I know I need to talk to him about this stuff. I just don't know how to say it.
We had a night sans kiddos last night. We headed out, I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in many years, we had a good time and headed on home to his place. His old roommate was crashing at his house. Fine, I can deal with that. We laid down to go to sleep and we were laying close and comfortable, kissing a little and getting very turned on. All of a sudden the door opens and this girl, who is blathering about finding G and his friend, invites herself in. She says hello to me, tells G that she's been leaving him messages on his phone, calls me "G's Lady Friend" and they take the friend and leave. G confesses that I'm not the first married woman he dated and that this is a girl he dated some time ago. I ask if she still has a thing for him. He says that he doesn't know, that they haven't really talked in 6 months. But, I know he introduced us when we were out one night, and I was wholly unsuspecting of the history they had.
Now, I'm not stupid. I know why a woman comes over to her ex's house in the middle of the night. I've exhibited that sex seeking behavior more than a few times myself. I never did it when my ex was attached and I certainly didn't do it without calling first. I don't know how to feel about this. I think that she may be the reason that he asked me if I was leading him on. I really can't have random drunken ex-girlfriends of his barging in unannounced whenever they get the urge to see him. He didn't let his friend back in and didn't let her come in to use the restroom. He seemed irritated, he expressed that he needed to get some boundaries for himself and he said that he would in fact make a crummy roommate.
This was in contrast to what he had told me right before this disturbance. He told me that when he was at SXSW he ran into a different ex while he was there. She moved across the country and they couldn't keep it up over the distance. He was still pretty caught up on her shortly before we got involved. In fact, I asked him if he was still in love with her and I wanted to ask if I was a distraction from his feelings for her. He assured me at the time (a couple of months ago now) that he was falling hard for me. He told me last night that seeing her just affirmed his feelings for me. Then the whole drunken ex girlfriend fiasco took place.
I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I know I need to talk to him about this stuff. I just don't know how to say it.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Edit the sad parts
G came over the night I wrote my last blog post. He was drunk, had been robbed by his cabbie and his thuggish friends, and he was pissed off. It wasn't really a supportive event. He came by work the next day and we got to talk a little. Then I hung out with him the night before last. That was better. I much prefer to see him when he isn't drinking. Its a bit like swimming upstream when I try to have a meaningful conversation with him otherwise. It was good talking with him on Friday, though. He's going to spend that day with me while I'm going through the hard parts. He's going to pay for half. He is being incredibly supportive and kind to me through this whole thing. I just have fear that after its over that he might get out while the getting is good. I plan to get an IUD either way, I don't want this to happen again. But I'm afraid that he may be scared off. I don't blame him one little bit.
I'm working on a painting right now that captures what I'm feeling completely. I'm trying to channel this into creativity so that I can deal with it all. I'm just overwhelmed when I'm feeling anything at all.
I'm working on a painting right now that captures what I'm feeling completely. I'm trying to channel this into creativity so that I can deal with it all. I'm just overwhelmed when I'm feeling anything at all.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Stop stomp stomping
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, albeit a minor one. Its not the rut I've been in with my horrible marriage. That one was quite a grand canyon, one that could doubtlessly be seen from space. This one is a muddy roadside ditch, but still, its a rut. It still sucks. I can't paint, I'm totally broke, I'm feeling disconnected from G (that would be my boyfriend) and my feelings about having this abortion are a little hard to handle some days. I'm feeling and doing fine and all of a sudden I can't articulate a single thought. I feel really out of it today.
I got to spend some time with him on Monday night. We went and had a couple of drinks (well, I had a Shirley Temple) and we walked the block and a half back to his apartment. On the walk back he brought up our predicament. I haven't had a chance to get down there yet to make an appointment, but he was taking that as my reconsidering the position I've held since I had baby #2. I assured him again that it was not that, I just had to get the time to go set the appointment. He apologized and said that he wasn't trying to pressure me. He said that he wanted to make sure we were still on the same page and he wanted to know where I was at (emotionally speaking).
We quickly got back to his place. We laid down on the bed and I just wanted to be close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and took in his smell, enjoyed the heady aroma of his sweat and pheromones and hair. Of course, being so close to him and taking in his scent got my motor going. I wasn't going to push anything, knowing he worked a double that day. He has a certain laugh when he discovers that I'm raring to go. He told me that he was useless. He was hungry and I had to work in the morning, so I told him to go get a bite to eat while I went to sleep. We made out some before he left. He wanted to go down on me but I just wanted to kiss him. He still got me off before he headed out the door.
When he returned I was totally asleep. He woke me gently and apparently the food recharged his batteries because we made love twice before drifting off to sleep in one anothers arms. I got up early to go to work, caught a quick shower, kissed him and headed out the door. I stopped back by his place on my way home from work. I suspected that he would still be in bed. I was correct. I got to cuddle with him a little longer, I got to go down on him (which I love) and then I had the pleasure of making love once more with him. It was tender and slow and feeling him deep inside while he looked into my eyes and kissed me made my heart feel so full that it was going to burst.
So, I'm sure you're thinking that I'm crazy for feeling disconnected from him. We're obviously connected, right? Well, the thing is that he doesn't have his phone right now and his computer is shot to shit, so its a really tough thing to deal with. He works a shit ton of hours, he works late and some days I don't even hear from him. I don't blame him, his job is hectic. It just really sucks. Days like today (I went to Planned Parenthood and made my appointment for the abortion) I could sure use a direct way to get a hold of him. I really feel like I need him tonight. I hope I hear from him before he leaves work. I just feel bad for needing him. This is too much for a three month long relationship to take.
I got to spend some time with him on Monday night. We went and had a couple of drinks (well, I had a Shirley Temple) and we walked the block and a half back to his apartment. On the walk back he brought up our predicament. I haven't had a chance to get down there yet to make an appointment, but he was taking that as my reconsidering the position I've held since I had baby #2. I assured him again that it was not that, I just had to get the time to go set the appointment. He apologized and said that he wasn't trying to pressure me. He said that he wanted to make sure we were still on the same page and he wanted to know where I was at (emotionally speaking).
We quickly got back to his place. We laid down on the bed and I just wanted to be close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and took in his smell, enjoyed the heady aroma of his sweat and pheromones and hair. Of course, being so close to him and taking in his scent got my motor going. I wasn't going to push anything, knowing he worked a double that day. He has a certain laugh when he discovers that I'm raring to go. He told me that he was useless. He was hungry and I had to work in the morning, so I told him to go get a bite to eat while I went to sleep. We made out some before he left. He wanted to go down on me but I just wanted to kiss him. He still got me off before he headed out the door.
When he returned I was totally asleep. He woke me gently and apparently the food recharged his batteries because we made love twice before drifting off to sleep in one anothers arms. I got up early to go to work, caught a quick shower, kissed him and headed out the door. I stopped back by his place on my way home from work. I suspected that he would still be in bed. I was correct. I got to cuddle with him a little longer, I got to go down on him (which I love) and then I had the pleasure of making love once more with him. It was tender and slow and feeling him deep inside while he looked into my eyes and kissed me made my heart feel so full that it was going to burst.
So, I'm sure you're thinking that I'm crazy for feeling disconnected from him. We're obviously connected, right? Well, the thing is that he doesn't have his phone right now and his computer is shot to shit, so its a really tough thing to deal with. He works a shit ton of hours, he works late and some days I don't even hear from him. I don't blame him, his job is hectic. It just really sucks. Days like today (I went to Planned Parenthood and made my appointment for the abortion) I could sure use a direct way to get a hold of him. I really feel like I need him tonight. I hope I hear from him before he leaves work. I just feel bad for needing him. This is too much for a three month long relationship to take.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Judy is a punk
I got out of work on Friday at 6pm. I felt like warm shit. The ex picked me up and then we went to get the kids. He asked me about something he heard, I played stupid, I sat in shock all evening that the people around me are such gossip whores. How can a group of reasonably intelligent people in their mid to late twenties (and in some cases, their early thirties) so closely resemble a bunch of old women gabbing at the beauty parlor, or in less affluent and more crafty individuals, a sewing circle? How the fuck?
Well, the thing he heard was an allusion to the fact that I am currently knocked up. Yes, I am, and no I'm not going to have another child right now. I could explain all of the circumstances and justify it. I could tell you about what my goals are, my plans, etc. I will spare you that bullshit and just say that I've thought it through and I can tell you that its the right choice for me. I'm mostly at peace with this decision. I have my intermittent moments of upset. I have my moments of crying and my moments of considering the "what if" scenarios. I come back to a feeling of peace with my decision every time. I'm not even ashamed of it and I honestly don't mind sharing with the world at large because I think that it destigmatizes it and helps average people understand that women who make that choice are not bad people. They're simply women facing a tough personal decision who need support, not judgment. Anyway, I just don't want my ex to know. Not now, not ever.
So after I get home I get to relax some. Ex took the kids for the night, so I was going to meet up with my man. I got in the shower, fixed my hair, did my makeup and got dressed. I listened to a little music and longed to smoke a little pot. I hopped a bus downtown and met my sweetie at his restaurant. He's a waiter and was cut a little early, we got a little bud from a friend he works with and headed to his place. I asked him if he had let the cat out of the bag and he told me that he told his friend in confidence and that apparently this friend was running his mouth to my Ex's friend. Un-fucking-cool. I will have this guy's ass the next time I see him. No worries, though. I now know to keep my mouth shut in the future.
We went out for a little while to one of the more relaxed places on the strip. He wanted to stick around longer than I did (which is about par for the course where my boyfriend is concerned) and invited people over after. So I wasn't thrilled with this, but whatever, I'm a good sport. I know he's really sociable. It doesn't bother me. Its just a little irritating when he says that he just wants to spend some low key time together and that ends up morphing into bar hopping and after parties. So I knew this was happening tonight, but I just rolled with it. We ended up at the taco stand eating delicious tacos and talking with people who we knew. We got a ride back to his place and smoked out with them.
When we got back to his place he was somewhat fucked up. I laid in the bed and got comfortable while he said goodbye outside. I fell asleep. I woke up when he sat on the bed. He laid down and we laid close together, my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. I was dying to make love right then and there, but I vowed not to be so demanding tonight. I tried my best, I really did.
I had been craving his body for days. I know what it feels like to be pestered for sex, so I feel terrible that this has been the story as of late. I've been a terrible horn dog. I wanted to go down on him. I tried to but it was too much for him to handle. He wasn't really game, being tired and drunk and very stoned. He rubbed me off. I just wanted him inside me more than anything. I think that my body was in total shock, I've never felt that sensation before in my life. I was trying to relax, not feel so much like I was going to die from sexual starvation, taking deep breaths and trying to relax my quivering inner thighs. Every time I would breathe him in I would feel my legs start trembling and I would moan involuntarily.
I turned away from him and started feeling a little more like myself. He laid up against me and laid his hand on my side. Ripples of heat radiated from where he touched me. I was almost convulsing, my body was aching. I needed him. I had a very hard time communicating that I needed him to not touch me for fear that I would experience spontaneous combustion and char his lovely headboard and most deliciously comfortable bed. He laughed a little and remarked on how terribly horny I was, and I was, and he started kissing me. I think. It was all a blur of hormonal desire and me trying not to ravish him.
He ended up between my legs, licking me into a lather. He is amazing at the oral arts and he makes me come so hard, I can't even express it. Its overwhelming. Then when I couldn't take anymore he came up to face level and kissed me. I have never liked tasting myself but I'm glad to kiss him afterward. The way he tastes seems to go well with it, or something. His kisses are so perfectly compatible with mine. I felt him, hard, between my legs. I suppose he sobered up some. He tenderized my insides, turned me to jelly. I ended up on top at the end and feeling him coming inside me was a beautiful, tender feeling. It was so intense. We laid together and fell asleep. Sleeping so close to him and feeling his breath and presence is like heaven.
Well, the thing he heard was an allusion to the fact that I am currently knocked up. Yes, I am, and no I'm not going to have another child right now. I could explain all of the circumstances and justify it. I could tell you about what my goals are, my plans, etc. I will spare you that bullshit and just say that I've thought it through and I can tell you that its the right choice for me. I'm mostly at peace with this decision. I have my intermittent moments of upset. I have my moments of crying and my moments of considering the "what if" scenarios. I come back to a feeling of peace with my decision every time. I'm not even ashamed of it and I honestly don't mind sharing with the world at large because I think that it destigmatizes it and helps average people understand that women who make that choice are not bad people. They're simply women facing a tough personal decision who need support, not judgment. Anyway, I just don't want my ex to know. Not now, not ever.
So after I get home I get to relax some. Ex took the kids for the night, so I was going to meet up with my man. I got in the shower, fixed my hair, did my makeup and got dressed. I listened to a little music and longed to smoke a little pot. I hopped a bus downtown and met my sweetie at his restaurant. He's a waiter and was cut a little early, we got a little bud from a friend he works with and headed to his place. I asked him if he had let the cat out of the bag and he told me that he told his friend in confidence and that apparently this friend was running his mouth to my Ex's friend. Un-fucking-cool. I will have this guy's ass the next time I see him. No worries, though. I now know to keep my mouth shut in the future.
We went out for a little while to one of the more relaxed places on the strip. He wanted to stick around longer than I did (which is about par for the course where my boyfriend is concerned) and invited people over after. So I wasn't thrilled with this, but whatever, I'm a good sport. I know he's really sociable. It doesn't bother me. Its just a little irritating when he says that he just wants to spend some low key time together and that ends up morphing into bar hopping and after parties. So I knew this was happening tonight, but I just rolled with it. We ended up at the taco stand eating delicious tacos and talking with people who we knew. We got a ride back to his place and smoked out with them.
When we got back to his place he was somewhat fucked up. I laid in the bed and got comfortable while he said goodbye outside. I fell asleep. I woke up when he sat on the bed. He laid down and we laid close together, my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. I was dying to make love right then and there, but I vowed not to be so demanding tonight. I tried my best, I really did.
I had been craving his body for days. I know what it feels like to be pestered for sex, so I feel terrible that this has been the story as of late. I've been a terrible horn dog. I wanted to go down on him. I tried to but it was too much for him to handle. He wasn't really game, being tired and drunk and very stoned. He rubbed me off. I just wanted him inside me more than anything. I think that my body was in total shock, I've never felt that sensation before in my life. I was trying to relax, not feel so much like I was going to die from sexual starvation, taking deep breaths and trying to relax my quivering inner thighs. Every time I would breathe him in I would feel my legs start trembling and I would moan involuntarily.
I turned away from him and started feeling a little more like myself. He laid up against me and laid his hand on my side. Ripples of heat radiated from where he touched me. I was almost convulsing, my body was aching. I needed him. I had a very hard time communicating that I needed him to not touch me for fear that I would experience spontaneous combustion and char his lovely headboard and most deliciously comfortable bed. He laughed a little and remarked on how terribly horny I was, and I was, and he started kissing me. I think. It was all a blur of hormonal desire and me trying not to ravish him.
He ended up between my legs, licking me into a lather. He is amazing at the oral arts and he makes me come so hard, I can't even express it. Its overwhelming. Then when I couldn't take anymore he came up to face level and kissed me. I have never liked tasting myself but I'm glad to kiss him afterward. The way he tastes seems to go well with it, or something. His kisses are so perfectly compatible with mine. I felt him, hard, between my legs. I suppose he sobered up some. He tenderized my insides, turned me to jelly. I ended up on top at the end and feeling him coming inside me was a beautiful, tender feeling. It was so intense. We laid together and fell asleep. Sleeping so close to him and feeling his breath and presence is like heaven.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Lovers Spit
Let me tell you about my boyfriend. He is one amazing guy. He is an inch taller than I am. He has the best sense of humor, ever. He has beautiful blue green eyes that sparkle when he smiles and when he looks into mine, well, I feel much like he can see into my heart and read the secret things written there. He can cook and loves all of the same foods that I do. His soft curly hair just begs for me to run my fingers through it. His hair also smells so wonderful, naturally. His musk is subtle and heady at the same time. I could breathe him in for days.
He's kind and considerate and empathetic. He has great taste in music. He is a far superior kisser than anyone else I've had the pleasure of kissing, but that can be said of more than his abilities as a kisser. I love the way his beard feels in my soft hands. He has lots of friends and introduces me to everyone. He is smart and is even more book obsessed than I am. He reads to me, his lovely baritone voice forming the words and forming a smile on my lips. We share the same eyeglasses prescription and blood type, too. He is ridiculously sweet to me. Our hands fit perfectly together. He has one snaggle-tooth that adds gads of character to his smile. I want to lick it when I kiss him. I did once with his permission.
I can't get enough. He makes me weak in the knees, he puts my head in the clouds, he makes my heart sing, he makes my panties wet (when I'm wearing them) and he makes me deliriously happy. He fucking rocks and I love him very much. More than I can articulate. More than I thought was possible anymore.
He's kind and considerate and empathetic. He has great taste in music. He is a far superior kisser than anyone else I've had the pleasure of kissing, but that can be said of more than his abilities as a kisser. I love the way his beard feels in my soft hands. He has lots of friends and introduces me to everyone. He is smart and is even more book obsessed than I am. He reads to me, his lovely baritone voice forming the words and forming a smile on my lips. We share the same eyeglasses prescription and blood type, too. He is ridiculously sweet to me. Our hands fit perfectly together. He has one snaggle-tooth that adds gads of character to his smile. I want to lick it when I kiss him. I did once with his permission.
I can't get enough. He makes me weak in the knees, he puts my head in the clouds, he makes my heart sing, he makes my panties wet (when I'm wearing them) and he makes me deliriously happy. He fucking rocks and I love him very much. More than I can articulate. More than I thought was possible anymore.
Exactly where I'm at
The last few years of my life have been filled with depression and desperation. I wanted out of my marriage so badly, and god knows why I stayed as long as I did. I was young when we met and didn't heed the red flags waving all around me. I was blinded by love, or whatever it was that I was blinded by. I know that when I met my ex-husband that I was hungry for someone who wanted me all to themselves for a change. I wanted to settle down some and have a boyfriend. I didn't want this limbo I had been kept in with the relationship I had before him.
The relationship I left before I got together with my ex was fraught with problems, from the lack of my communication to his lack of commitment. I still love and care for him and we still talk from to time to time and are on good terms. We saw one another back before the new year and had a good afternoon together. He was in town because his band had a break in their touring schedule and we had been meaning to meet up when he had a chance for at least a year. We kissed. The kiss was good but the connection that we had was shot to shit. That is what it took to see that I'm much more over him than I gave myself credit for. I thought he was the closest thing to "the one" that I would find for many years. I used that as a crutch. I can see that now.
Its sad to say that I knew things were over before I even got pregnant with my first son. I knew it, though. I was planning to leave him and move in with my best friend. We had an apartment picked out and everything. I wound up pregnant. Being young and foolish and having had an abortion previously, I didn't want to terminate. Of course I love my sons very much, but in retrospect, motherhood isn't really something that I feel I was cut out for. Other women seem to have this preternatural ability to care for and coddle their children. I just don't experience that well of nurturing. I'm not sure if I'm defective or what, but its just not there.
Once I tried to leave him. A few years ago. He just didn't stay away. It didn't take. After promises to work on things and make them better we reconciled. We had another child. Things were still shitty and he was getting more controlling and more emotionally abusive as time went on. I felt trapped by the children. I couldn't leave the house if he wasn't watching them and with his full time job, his band, his religion, his friends.. There just wasn't time for me.
I hit the brick wall about a year ago. I knew this wasn't for me. I got fed the fuck up with bullshit and excuses and being accused of cheating when there wasn't time in the day nor an opportunity available. I started painting again and spending less time on the internet, less time on message boards (which were a great help and support when I needed them, but I don't feel so much that I need it anymore) and more time out of the house and doing things. He hated it. He was jealous and nervous and accusatory. I was becoming more emotionally divorced from him as time went on. With every email break in, rude look when the phone rang, mean question.. My heart hardened and turned away. I lost all sexual interest in him. I started having a crush on one of my artist friends, I started having dreams. I wanted to look nice. I started taking care of myself again. Despite the increase in number and intensity of the fights with my ex I was feeling good about myself for a change. I did things because I wanted to do them, no other reason. That was completely new.
Now I'm in a place where I'm doing what is best for my kids and I and I'm seeing that what is good for them is going to be what is good for me in the long run. I want to get an education and going to school will provide us all a better future, so that is my next aim. I've got a good job now that makes me happy. They can see me earning money and calling the financial shots, making my own decisions, not having to cook and clean because it was my "job" and being tethered to the house because I happened to be the female counterpart of this thing. These are things that worried me deeply about my marriage to their father. Knowing that this is what they perceived to be normal was nauseating. I don't want my sons to grow up to be sexist assholes. So they see me happy right now, doing what I want. They get to spend time with their dad, they get to spend time with me, and about once a week they get both of us at the same time. I want to be friends with him, I mean, I was married to him for seven years and I do have two kids with him. The person he was when we met isn't the person that is there now. I accept this and understand it a little easier than he does, I think.
The relationship I left before I got together with my ex was fraught with problems, from the lack of my communication to his lack of commitment. I still love and care for him and we still talk from to time to time and are on good terms. We saw one another back before the new year and had a good afternoon together. He was in town because his band had a break in their touring schedule and we had been meaning to meet up when he had a chance for at least a year. We kissed. The kiss was good but the connection that we had was shot to shit. That is what it took to see that I'm much more over him than I gave myself credit for. I thought he was the closest thing to "the one" that I would find for many years. I used that as a crutch. I can see that now.
Its sad to say that I knew things were over before I even got pregnant with my first son. I knew it, though. I was planning to leave him and move in with my best friend. We had an apartment picked out and everything. I wound up pregnant. Being young and foolish and having had an abortion previously, I didn't want to terminate. Of course I love my sons very much, but in retrospect, motherhood isn't really something that I feel I was cut out for. Other women seem to have this preternatural ability to care for and coddle their children. I just don't experience that well of nurturing. I'm not sure if I'm defective or what, but its just not there.
Once I tried to leave him. A few years ago. He just didn't stay away. It didn't take. After promises to work on things and make them better we reconciled. We had another child. Things were still shitty and he was getting more controlling and more emotionally abusive as time went on. I felt trapped by the children. I couldn't leave the house if he wasn't watching them and with his full time job, his band, his religion, his friends.. There just wasn't time for me.
I hit the brick wall about a year ago. I knew this wasn't for me. I got fed the fuck up with bullshit and excuses and being accused of cheating when there wasn't time in the day nor an opportunity available. I started painting again and spending less time on the internet, less time on message boards (which were a great help and support when I needed them, but I don't feel so much that I need it anymore) and more time out of the house and doing things. He hated it. He was jealous and nervous and accusatory. I was becoming more emotionally divorced from him as time went on. With every email break in, rude look when the phone rang, mean question.. My heart hardened and turned away. I lost all sexual interest in him. I started having a crush on one of my artist friends, I started having dreams. I wanted to look nice. I started taking care of myself again. Despite the increase in number and intensity of the fights with my ex I was feeling good about myself for a change. I did things because I wanted to do them, no other reason. That was completely new.
Now I'm in a place where I'm doing what is best for my kids and I and I'm seeing that what is good for them is going to be what is good for me in the long run. I want to get an education and going to school will provide us all a better future, so that is my next aim. I've got a good job now that makes me happy. They can see me earning money and calling the financial shots, making my own decisions, not having to cook and clean because it was my "job" and being tethered to the house because I happened to be the female counterpart of this thing. These are things that worried me deeply about my marriage to their father. Knowing that this is what they perceived to be normal was nauseating. I don't want my sons to grow up to be sexist assholes. So they see me happy right now, doing what I want. They get to spend time with their dad, they get to spend time with me, and about once a week they get both of us at the same time. I want to be friends with him, I mean, I was married to him for seven years and I do have two kids with him. The person he was when we met isn't the person that is there now. I accept this and understand it a little easier than he does, I think.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Lets take a trip together..
I suppose this is where I introduce myself. I don't want to blow smoke up the ass of the collective internet readership, so I'll just say that this is where I'll be dumping my emotional garbage. You'll hear about my art, my love of music, my obsession with food and books, and you'll hear all about my divorce. You may hear a little about my kids. You'll hear about my love life, my job, the world around me as I experience it. You might notice that the titles to my posts are all song titles, so you can check out some fiercely awesome tunes at the same time as you play voyeur and soak up the details of my life.
Without further adieu, here it is.. My palette of words.
Without further adieu, here it is.. My palette of words.
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